...It's not that I've forgotten I had a blog.
...It's not even that I've been too busy to write.
It has more so to do with the issue that I was too afraid and too unsure to post anything about my amazing news. I hadn't been able to even realize what the issue what until this morning when I shared a brief testimony with my church today. After sharing, I realized that I needed to share it further.
It is true ladies and gentlemen! (In case you haven't heard) I am so happy and unbelievably blessed to share that I am now carrying this child that I have prayed so fervently for (what feels like) so long!
Honestly, a few months ago my husband and I were making plans for a whole new life of ministry because we wanted to make the most out of an infertile life. We wanted to go do things and go places that families with children cannot do very well. However, God's voice became clear when He put those plans at least on hold to say, "I'm giving you a child."
The moment I found out was indeed everything I dreamed it would be! I begrudgingly took what felt like the thousandth pregnancy test in my life, and as my husband and I watched the digital screen "calculating," I kept saying over and over again, "I'm not pregnant. I'm never pregnant." But when that digital screen DID read, "Pregnant," I gasped...like long and loud. I jumped up and down. I squealed. I shouted praises to God. I hugged my husband. I giggled. And I soon calmed myself so my husband and I could pray over my belly.
...Of course, it didn't take long for fear to set in and grip my heart. I've shared my story of my last pregnancy on here already, so you know that I've experienced loss in this area. Even though God has given me peace to overcome the grief....the experience is never forgotten, and those memories have become even more vivid lately. I was freaking out at any possible sign of losing this baby, and those who have gone through a loss like mine understand why.
I have always struggled with fear; it's the main reason I often struggle to live worthy of my name (Joy). I know the devil uses it to not only steal my joy, but to weaken my faith in my amazing God especially.
I was very hesitant to share my news with others. I was happy...excited...but very scared that if I told people, I would have to turn around later and withdraw my news. To be honest, that fear is still not completely gone, even in my second trimester.
Very recently, God provided me with the chance of hearing a Christian female speaker preach of assurance...assurance that we, the children of God, have! That message blessed my heart and freed me so much. Since then, through the Word of God, God is daily strengthening my faith so that I can OVERCOME my fear. I cannot say that as of this moment, my faith is stronger than my fear, but I can testify that my God is! And He is growing my faith daily.
I really did not want this blog to stop and go to waste. I wanted so to share my blessings, especially this one, but I just couldn't. But I can! I'm doing it! And now, I can bask in the joy of sharing updates on my journey to motherhood. I'm already learning so much.
My heart has been filled with joy lately, but probably more filled with fear and anxiety. Today, my heart yearns for God's Word that always reminds me of God's assurance. What's in your heart today?